Barbells on the brain

By October 16, 2013Humor, News

Barbells, as it turns out, are more than just pieces of metal that help you get strong – they have feelings too. They are sensitive creatures, and if you don’t treat them right they won’t treat you right.

I know this because earlier this week, when I was alone at the gym long after classes were done for the day, the barbells spoke to me.

I’m sure it sounds a little weird, but I swear it’s the truth. Then again, I spend a lot of time at the gym and the chalk in the air may be distorting my capacity for rational thought. Even so, I learned a lot about barbells and their way of life during our little chat.

For example, one of the women’s barbells told me that they do not like to be dropped unless they are wearing their protective Rubber Baby Bumper Plates. If you drop them too much without their Rubber Baby Bumper Plates they can become injured, and no one wants to play with an injured barbell. She said that it’s really very sad, because barbells are happiest when someone is playing with them. (Aren’t we all?)

Another thing I learned about them is that they are vain and like to look their best. They’re always making sure they spin smoothly (that really impresses the kettlebells), and they even brag to the others when someone gets a PR with them that day. Funny – I thought they never really cared about that stuff, but the truth is they obsess over it. However, the thing they definitely can’t stand is to be perpetually covered in chalk. Oh sure, they’re fine with a little “war paint” while you’re using them, but the barbells told me they would prefer it if you cleaned the chalk off of them at the end of your workout.

They told me it’s especially important to get the chalk out of their knurling because chalk is a pain in the ass and doesn’t know when to stop absorbing moisture. It turns out that chalk will just keep on absorbing moisture right out of the air all day and all night long! One of the men’s barbells pointed out to me that because of chalk’s incessant need to absorb every bit of moisture it can, the chalk you all leave caked in his knurling keeps him in constant contact with moisture. Then he felt the need to explain to me (rather condescendingly, actually) that keeping a large piece of steel in constant contact with moisture makes it rust. And apparently there are few things that piss off a barbell more than rusting.

We talked for a little while longer, but their other stories didn’t make much sense (something about how perfect  the boxes think they are and an argument with a belligerent medicine ball). At the end of it all I promised them I would relay their message to you, since they asked so nicely and told me that you have the ability to help make their lives better. Who am I to stand in the way of barbell rights?

And there you have it – the barbells have spoken, and you should listen. After all, this is a CrossFit gym – if the barbells ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.


  • Christine K

    Let’s keep the sensitive barbells and other fabulous, new equipment – however belligerent and snobby they are – looking as good as new for as long as possible. I would hate to have a barbell be mad at me ever again.

  • Ryan C

    I have one word for you. Zyprexa. Google that.

  • Vick

    Can we get some wipes that are less harsh on the chemicals? My hands smell like pool water for hours after using them. Thanks.